Stepping back and taking stock is something I’m not very good at. My mental scales are out of balance; my victories somehow get smaller in rear-view, like a road-sign fading into the distance, but my faults and failings seem to keep up with me, never diminishing, looming overhead and stretching arms of worry into the future.
Biologically it makes sense; my brain doesn’t need to keep detailed records of each time I succeeded in facing a challenge; clearly I’ve already mastered this. But the mind keeps strong impressions of pain or failure, to try to remind not to do that sort of crap again. The problem is, the part of the brain that tends to forget successes and dwell on failures is very primitive, and fear-based.
It’s perfect for basic-survival instances like eating rotten food, or investigating a porcupine too closely, the pain you experience as a result of these will help you to make different decisions in the future that will (hopefully) yield a better result. But it’s absolute crap at living life today. It can’t distinguish between the emotional pain of losing a job or having a fight with your loved one and the pain of getting yourself stung by bees trying to get some honey.
So as cliche as it is; this is my time to try to re-adjust that rear-view mirror a bit and see if I can get a better focus on the past year.
There have been a lot of changes. I’d like to think I’m getting better at rolling with the punches, and adapting to changing situations, which has always been a challenge for me. I’ve been up and down at taking good care of myself, but it’s definitely something I’ve been trying to improve on, and since my forties are only a hop, skip, and a jump away it seems prudent to try to make that a priority this year.
I’ve definitely improved musically, thanks to a LARGE number of people who have given me advice, helped me to learn, encouraged my growth, and clapped even when I butchered some really good tunes along the way. The list is WAY too long to even begin to start; so just know that if you’re reading this; you’ve probably helped me in some way already, and that even your feedback is help that I am deeply grateful for. <3
I’m trying to connect more. Not just to say hello and get a hug and make some small talk, either in meat-space or e-space, but to be genuine, and revealing, and compassionate to others and their perspectives and experiences. I’ve always had issues with trust… trusting others, trusting myself … but it’s only been quite recently that I realized how much my guarding against the possible pain inflicted by others has brought me the very REAL pain of feeling lonely even when I’m surrounded by people. Maybe most especially then …
I’m trying to adult more. You wouldn’t think this would still be an issue for me by now, but it is. Taxes, finances, housework, all that shit. Still haven’t got even the slightest handle on most of this crap, but NO MORE I TELL YOU! I’m gonna pull on my adult-pants and wade into the muck of the shit I’ve left undone out of the fear of doing it wrong. FUCK FEAR.
This is my year baby! Make it YOUR year too!