My Shitty Little Heart – I cheated on Dezz

I cheated on Dezz. I made out with a boy and there was some groping and grinding. I stopped it before it got any further, but it was already too late. And it’s even more terrible than that, because I’d confessed the infatuation before the cheating happened, and assured him that it wouldn’t, and then it did. I’m a cheater.

I feel terrible, but that doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t fix the trust that I’ve broken, and I’m not sure that it can be repaired. Because just saying it will never happen again won’t necessarily make it so, and even if it could; would I be able to say that I will never want to cheat again? Cuz it’s someone wanting someone or something else that hurts so much. The damage was already mostly done when I’d confessed the infatuation.

I spent the wee hours of the morning talking with a friend. A friend, whom (Thank You) didn’t just start out with “how could you”, but got into “Why did you?”

The truth is, there are underlying situations that led to the cheating in the first place, as there always are.

So I told them; I’ve been asking for more sex, and more sexual adventure for a while. Quite a while. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel super-undesired and a bit pathetic and abnormal. Like there’s something wrong with me. Dezz has always said that he’s totally happy with our sex life, so it’s hard not to think that maybe the problem is with me and I feel greedy for wanting more … I don’t like making Dezz feel inadequate.

But I’ve been lonely and frustrated and feeling bad about myself for a long time, and then I got drunk and talking with a friend about sex in general (which happens with me, as many of you know) turned a bit specific and I started feeling a little bit like I’m not the only one that wants the things I do, and things got out of hand.

It’s no excuse, I shouldn’t have cheated. I’m a shit.

But what do you do when one of you wants more, and the other is happy the way things are?

I love Dezz more than I can describe. I’ve always felt that he is a rock that I could cling to, a mirror of my best and worst selves, and one of the smartest, sweetest, funniest men I’ve ever encountered and I don’t want to lose what we have (had?) but I don’t know what to do, and none of my friends do either.

Everyone says “take a break”. It just sounds like a gentle way of saying “It’s time to break up”
Maybe I am greedy.

Because I don’t want to give up on the idea of an adventurous life, in and out of the bedroom, but I don’t want to give up Dezz either.

Me and my shitty little heart.

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9 Responses to “My Shitty Little Heart – I cheated on Dezz”

  1. Julie Cook October 14, 2016 at 10:07 am #

    Hey Carol! Honest stuff right there. We need to talk, I experienced a very similar situation with my husband and I think I can help (we have since found a solution). My love and healing vibes to both of you.

    • Carol Channelling November 3, 2016 at 12:20 am #

      I’d love to hear from you! Connect with me via email or on facebook! 🙂

  2. Betty Asante October 14, 2016 at 5:00 pm #

    Dear carol this is dezzs mother speaking to you. I want to say something nasty to you for hurting my son who I know loves you. You have torn out his heart. Never the less we are all human and not infalable.we all need to decide what do we really want in life. Excitement ends and then what do you have left. I know that you do not think well of yourself,but you must stop that the past is the past let it go! Live for the future. A good and trust worthy man is rare. Enjoy that most precious of gifts. You have your music in common and you know that he will give you your space. Perhaps you are afraid to give yourself completely over to someone but with Dezz it’s not like that you know in your heart that your relationship is rare. Don’t be afraid! Let go and you will see how happy you will both be.all my love and best wishes to you both.

  3. John Smith October 16, 2016 at 10:03 am #

    This is not about sex – it is about how you feel about yourself. Deep down.
    Sex is just one of the avenues one use to express oneself. I have seen others with similar situations. They move from one partner to the next to the next. Sex is always great in the beginning of a relationship. But they are not happy within. You have to love yourself first; nobody can do that for you. This may be helpful to both of you. There are tons of youtube tals by Abraham/Hicks

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA4Y8tvy-7w

    • Carol Channelling December 5, 2016 at 2:16 pm #

      This resonates very deeply. I’ll be sure to check out the talks. Thank you for sharing them <3 - Carol

  4. Kaiden November 18, 2016 at 7:03 am #

    This is excellent. I work at a front desk mostly and have a semi uniform. This enables me to wear what I want on my feet and etc. However, I started a voshetnrluip at a museum and they are a little more business. While it is volunteer, what you wear is a great or awful statement about who you are. I find this helpful!

    • Butch March 15, 2017 at 8:18 pm #

      Yup, that’ll do it. You have my aprinciatpoe.

  5. http://www./ November 25, 2016 at 1:01 am #

    I am so vex that I was not able to attend his throw down here the other night. I will catch up with him, I will NOT loose faith! I am so glad you decided to go after all, I am sure you are well happy you went.

    • Arnie March 15, 2017 at 8:25 pm #

      Your post captures the issue pefetcrly!

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