I cheated on Dezz. I made out with a boy and there was some groping and grinding. I stopped it before it got any further, but it was already too late. And it’s even more terrible than that, because I’d confessed the infatuation before the cheating happened, and assured him that it wouldn’t, and then it did. I’m a cheater.
I feel terrible, but that doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t fix the trust that I’ve broken, and I’m not sure that it can be repaired. Because just saying it will never happen again won’t necessarily make it so, and even if it could; would I be able to say that I will never want to cheat again? Cuz it’s someone wanting someone or something else that hurts so much. The damage was already mostly done when I’d confessed the infatuation.
I spent the wee hours of the morning talking with a friend. A friend, whom (Thank You) didn’t just start out with “how could you”, but got into “Why did you?”
The truth is, there are underlying situations that led to the cheating in the first place, as there always are.
So I told them; I’ve been asking for more sex, and more sexual adventure for a while. Quite a while. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel super-undesired and a bit pathetic and abnormal. Like there’s something wrong with me. Dezz has always said that he’s totally happy with our sex life, so it’s hard not to think that maybe the problem is with me and I feel greedy for wanting more … I don’t like making Dezz feel inadequate.
But I’ve been lonely and frustrated and feeling bad about myself for a long time, and then I got drunk and talking with a friend about sex in general (which happens with me, as many of you know) turned a bit specific and I started feeling a little bit like I’m not the only one that wants the things I do, and things got out of hand.
It’s no excuse, I shouldn’t have cheated. I’m a shit.
But what do you do when one of you wants more, and the other is happy the way things are?
I love Dezz more than I can describe. I’ve always felt that he is a rock that I could cling to, a mirror of my best and worst selves, and one of the smartest, sweetest, funniest men I’ve ever encountered and I don’t want to lose what we have (had?) but I don’t know what to do, and none of my friends do either.
Everyone says “take a break”. It just sounds like a gentle way of saying “It’s time to break up”
Maybe I am greedy.
Because I don’t want to give up on the idea of an adventurous life, in and out of the bedroom, but I don’t want to give up Dezz either.
Me and my shitty little heart.