Sometimes I wake up depressed.
I have no good reason for it. Yesterday was a good day, and I’m just as healthy and well-off today, so why the long face and shitty emotional state? I could blame it on the rain, or the little spat that Dezz and I got into (over something tiny, and already resolved), but the truth is there’s no good reason.
That’s what depression is; feeling awful for no reason.
This used to happen to me a LOT. Every day, really. I would wake up and the first thing I would think about are all the shitty things that make me unhappy. And when that happens, I’m terrible to be around. Hair-trigger temper and teary outbursts, self-pity and zero patience for even the tiniest disruption to my routine. It’s not a pretty picture.
It doesn’t happen so much anymore.
I work hard to stay in a positive place; practicing compassion for the people that hurt me (intentionally or not), forgiving myself when I fall short of my own ideals; and it helps a LOT.
Staying aware of all the good things in my life gives me arguments to fight the side of my brain that tells me that “everything is awful” and that “nobody cares”. It brings the shades of grey back into the black and white vision of “good” and “bad” … And those shades of grey can be amazingly illuminating when you’re lost in the gloom.
So thank you to all of the wonderful peeps in my life. Thank you for being lanterns and candles and bonfires along the darker paths. You being you makes me a better version of me. You are my joy. <3